My nastiness is where i find my purity.
Finally another person typed up (this is a pretty worthy read) what I have felt all along.
Here are the things that i've been afraid to type out loud. I see that I still have a fear of being criticized, scolded for being too sexual, too graphic, too explicit.
I have people in my life that don't want to hear about these things, and yet I'm going to type them anyways. I'm typing them for my freedom. So i don't feel oppressed into silence. And maybe others might not feel so trapped in their own isolating thoughts.
1 I bought a suburban. I paid $2500 bucks for it. (is the bucks and/or $ redundant?) I bought it so that i could always have a place to sleep no matter where I was, except Pasadena, because fuck Pasadena with it's city-wide no parking between 2am-6am laws that aren't on the actual streets only on signs posted as you enter the city. Fuck Pasadena. I bought it so that if I'm in santa monica and seeing a friend who doesn't want me to crash at their place, even though i want to see another friend in Santa monica the next day, i don't have to feel forced to find a place to crash. i now have my own portable crash pad! This means I don't have to drive back to south central just to sleep and drive back out to wherever i was. I feel empowered. This has felt shaming previously, and i've been feeling compelled to explain to people why i bought it. It puts me more towards the spectrum of living out of my car, which I would be embarrassed to tell people i'm doing. I'm afraid of how they might look at me. I am super happy though getting to crawl in the back and sleep in it. I bought some fabric to blackout the back windows with so that it's not so bright in the morning. I may just have to darken the tint though.
Oh, and the first thing I did when I got my suburban was drive up into the mountains, strip down naked, roll in the dirt, spit on both hands and stick a couple of fingers up my butt while I masturbated until I climaxed all over myself and then smeared all of that with dirt and the rest of my body as well. I essentially took a dirt bath. Twas quite lovely!
2 I attend a polyamorous potluck every month or two and at the last one, the lover I was there with outed me so hard. She said something along the lines of, "this is my brother (gestures to me.) I love fucking my brother." It was well received by the group and I was blushing hard. Incest has always been a scary topic for me as my sister has big boobs that would sometimes pop into my head and would send me running away screaming in my mind for fear that I was some sort of fucked up and depraved human. Lately though, I've been exploring this taboo with my lover (who is not my actual sister, we just have tons in common). I would say all of the dirty and fucked up things that came into my head out loud and ask to do fucked up shit. She enthusiastically said yes every single time i think. And from that, such a burden has been lifted. Such a heavy, heavy, burden.
With another lover who is in her mid-twenties (relevant), she likes it when someone calls her good girl, and that escalated into an biological father and young daughter role play. Also super fucked up and taboo.
BUT, and a big fat juicy butt at that, through all of this exploration, there was a huge release of shame, which was done with explicit consent from both parties, and was also debriefed about afterwards. Typically with a, "holy shit, that was fucked up, hahaha!" response, as the newfound lightness that comes after diving headfirst into your fuckedupness is immensely lightening on your soul.
3 Masturbation. I totally masturbate in my car. Mostly to porn. I try to do it discreetly as possibly as self pleasuring is a criminal act if not done extremely privately as far as I know. I get super horny often and I think masturbating is super fun and feels good. I also try not to limit my sex to when I'm in the shower as well, I love to embrace and celebrate and be creative in my sexuality. So if the car is a rockin', just wait for 15 min and then maybe call me on my cell phone to make sure i'm done. (:
That basically sums it up, I bought an SUV so I can sleep in it. I engage in some pretty taboo sexual play with my partners, and I masturbate in my car. There ya have it.
I anticipate I'll probably find some more stuff that I feel ashamed of and i'll type about that as well when that comes around. *shrugs shoulders*
No comments:
Post a Comment