In a time (this last week or so) when i'm a bit serious and aggressive, I am given a gift. This is Carsie Blanton's latest post. The thing that got me most is that creativity in not limited to writing or dancing, but to driving, shopping, talking, ordering tea. And just how much creativity doesn't like being forced or hanging out with the ego. Goddamn this woman just speaks my heart and soul.
Here are the baaaaad things I did today, I purchased a package of those snowball thingies that are kind of like twinkies. They were good. I ate the rest of my dark chocolate peanut butter cups that i had stashed in my car, and I attempted to purchase some cheap low quality cookies from the 99 cent store. I asked how much they were, a dollar, and if i could pay with credit, fifty cents more. I told her I'll pass and started to walk out when I hear the woman who was in line behind me say that she would buy them for me. My ego deduced that statement to my fresh haircut ($4) from the local beauty school. She was just trying to get a piece of this fresh dew, had nothing to do with her generous spirit. So I graciously declined and walked on over to my local coffee shop to get some computer time in. During this brief stroll I thought to myself, I'm not poor, just cheap.
And the good things, I followed through on some little things. I found an alternative beauty school to get a haircut at when I discovered that Marinello just closed down all of it's schools. 52 of them I think due to federal allegations. I bring this up because I then realized there would be at least 39 empty buildings in California. I searched to find out they were leased from other owners and not freshly abandoned. :( (This is a view inside my mind) Then I drank a couple of coconut waters and did some handstands. And now here I am writing. This is honestly a really good thing for me. At first I thought, "but I have nothing to write about," but now I am reminded about just how powerful of a tool writing can be, especially when done out loud. Oh, I also bought some elastic banding to turn my flip flops into more functional sandals without having to buy lame looking or expensive but cool looking sandals.
On a different note, a dear friend of mine shared with me a lil of her creativity. She said the How doesnt matter. It's the What and the Why. Which brings me to why I'm squirming and numbing and putting myself in challenging situations. And it's because I can see something better, something different than this current way of doing things. And I think i can see a way to get to where I want to go. The What. I want to rebuild the bridge between men and women, between the binary and the fluid, between the smart and the funny, between the dumb and the caring, between the bizness-ey and the creative. And I've got a couple different tools in my belt to help me do this.
And as to my current Why of why i share this writing with you. I remember times in my past when people are doing cool shit, but they never give updates as to what they're up to. I guess I'm attempting to give a few updates here and there along the way.
Things I desire to do that I'm scared to do:
-Create and perform something artistic, possibly comedic, possibly stand-up-ey.
-Get paid to work with computers on the coding and programming front, particularly with automation. IE, have a regular source of income, that gives health insurance, and to work a 4 day work week.
-Find a space and make it my own.
-Buy a --(cue hour and a half googling) ok...now i realize that owning a car is an big expense, either you buy one new and that's a huge expense or you buy one used and that's a huge expense. My desire is a car or suv that I can crawl in the back and sleep in. I want this so that when I go visit someone or go into the mountains, i don't have to feel rushed to drive back to home base just to sleep. Nor do I have to worry about the temperature or surroundings outside in regards to setting up a tent. I've been thinking about a suburban, but if shit goes south, that's a lot of repair money. Hm.
-learning to code/program
-finish my safer sex website
What I'm kind of feeling:
I miss living close to friends. Like walking close. Like walking to the living room close. Scheduling to hang out with people is kind of a pain in the ass, and really takes away from the thrill of spontanaeity. I do find myself reminded that with my time alone, I'm learning to love myself and see myself when I'm feeling uncomfortable or scared.
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