What my life actually looks like these days.

Heads up: This post is long and shar-ey.

I've just finished my second improv class.  I laugh a lot, and then when I return to my aunt's and watch some more comedy, I feel comedic fatigue.  It's as though my nervous system is a bit fried and wants a break.  I guess I haven't just shared in a while.

I get in my head about taking naps.  I imagine if I take naps, then I won't be tired and able to sleep at night, which sometimes I don't want to be tired at night, because what if I'm in the company of a pretty lady?

I've been spending some money paying for others.  I feel good when I do that.

My job search has been going slow, but steady.  I've reached the little goals I've set for myself.

During the improv show(s) that were after my class this evening, a couple of the actors pulled me up onto stage with them.  I was sitting in the front row after all.  I enjoyed the shit out of myself.  I hammed it up.

I have a few bodywork clients this upcoming week.  I love getting to share my gift.  I'm also enjoying the journey of creating my own bodyworkshop.  I look forward to teaching my first class.

My legs are sore, and so is my back.  I'm focusing a lot more on flexibility than anything else.  I kind of feel guilty, that I should be training more.  I then remember what shoulding myself does for me.

The men's group i've been organizing has led to some very beautiful emails being written to me by a couple of my close friends.  This means a lot to me.  I've found out that even though most of my close guy friends aren't too gung ho about a hippy dippy spiritual retreat with me, they still care a lot about me and value my friendship.  They just prefer to show it in different ways.  To you guys reading this, I love you, in that way that only I can.

I got complete with a lover of mine.  My heart has reminded me that it is durable as fuck and can take whatever I can throw at it.  Dancing with large groups of people has had a big influence on me getting through these tough spots.

I'm nervous about racism.  I was reading some more of this book on the history of property in the united states, and there were a few instances where white people moved into an abandoned property and were then ousted by the local non-white community members, even though they were making the community better.  The weird part about being what that a friend of mine pointed out is that by simply existing, I am a source of gentrification.  A couple fun facts, in LA county recently, 25% of properties are purchased by absentee buyers.  Meaning speculators are buying housing on the hopes that it will rise in value and they will make a profit.   I am quite bothered by this.  I really, really don't like a basic human need being monetized so drastically.  The other fun fact, 15% of properties are vacant in the US.  At the heavy end of it, 5% of our population in the US is homeless.  This means, that EVERYBODY HOMELESS could be house and 2/3 of the vacant properties would remain vacant.  That blows my mind.  And I know that the US is big and not all of the places with vacant properties are fun to live.  I get it.  There's just something quite broken about all of this.  Just straight up inhumane.

That last part is a doozey.  What's a lighter note to finish up on?

Sometimes I get down on myself and feel a shitton of shame and guilt and i'm-not-good-enough-ness.  I really throw myself a poorly planned pity party with a pathetic showing.  What's actually cool about this though, is that I get through it.  I make it out the other side.  The skills I've learned over the years have actually paid off and it's fucking awesome.  I really get to enjoy and appreciate life, thank god.  I am so so so grateful.