Loving SF and we're not even finished yet!

I cried out of happiness a couple of days ago, maybe for the first time in my life.  I had waves of sensation rolling through my body that were so intense, i wasn't sure if i was going to be able to handle it.  So i stopped trying to handle it and control it.  I was experiencing all of this with a new friend and feeling slightly self conscious.  I didn't want to have to explain why i'm crying and then i let all of that go and just cried.  She didn't say anything and the sensation subsided a bit.  Then the sunset we were watching got even more awesome and another wave of sensation rolled through me. 

I realized then that i have had a fear of feeling too good.  I was told one time that i was possibly borderline.  That scared me.  I had taken some psychology classes.  People with mental disease are scary and dangerous i was taught.  So as i was feeling those huge waves of sensation as the sun set, i could feel myself resisting, afraid of turning into a DSMV diagnosis.  Then i let go and just let all of the sensation flow through me and trusted my gut that i am ok and i will be ok, and this is all ok.  And it was.  I took a shower, drank a ton of water, snuggled under a blanket and noticed the other sensations as my body recalibrated.

Now here i sit in a hostel in SF at homeostasis.  I got a good night's sleep, a hot shower, and everything has fallen into place for the time being.  And i'm finding when things seem like they aren't falling into place, they really are.  I'm learning that my mind is too dumb to predict how things are supposed to turn out, and does a terrible job at preparing me for what i will face in the world.  I'm learning that i'm much better off just being and trusting and allowing myself to be vulnerable.  I love couchsurfing, i love staying with friends, and i love meeting new friends and staying with them.  I love sleepovers, and i love having enough money that if things don't work out, i can still take care of myself.

I know that my life doesn't look like others.  I know that i've chosen the other path must deal with the consequences.  And by-fuck am i glad i've not given into complacency or settled for mediocrity.  Goddamn if my life isn't beautiful as well as the people in it.