I have been going through a lot.
Since my last update, I received no replies from any of the aquaponics companies that i wrote and sent my resume to. My friend Rhino wants to help me work on aquaponics though. I had all four wisdom teeth removed and concurrently became feverish with a sore mouth and throat. I apparently lost enough weight that people say i'm thinner now and not as big. I feel light and mobile though. My handstands are feeling great.
On my way back from Spain i had a 24 hour layover in Ft Laud, i got to visit a couple of couch surfers, go on a serene night ride on some bicycles, then go snorkeling the next day at the beach and swam with a sea turtle and spotted a couple of nurse sharks hanging out. Those people really took care of me and gave me a nice healthy reception back into the us. I am grateful.
I forgot how big of a thing driving is here in the states. My friend made the comparison today how deciding where to meet up in socal is like deciding which country you want to meet up in Europe. Not too far away from the truth. There is no real casual way to meet up in socal unless you live in the same part of town.
I've been feeling a lot of my shame and insecurities come up. I'm proud of how i've been giving myself space to feel my sensations and also share them outloud, either with Heather or my mom or dad. I'd also like to share my insecurities with you. I imagine people sometimes place me on a pedestal living the life, and i want to share my humanness. I'm insecure with my body and the size of my penis. I see guys with more defined abs and/or bigger cocks and i feel that i will not satisfy Heather or another lover in the way that these guys will. I'm insecure around work and money. I compare myself to guys who own their own construction businesses or who are in med school and drive nice expensive new cars and i feel inadequate, that i can't provide, or pay for nice meals out or buy her nice things. And i fear that women that i am attracted to won't want to have sex with me because i don't have a lot of money or a steady job or a big cock.
I rented a car for a week when i landed here in LA, and i felt fancy having done that. Now i am staying with my aunt and borrowing my parents car. I don't feel very sexually attractive or available. I imagine i should be able to bring a lover back to my welcoming space in a nice vehicle. I feel hot writing this. There are women in Santa Monica that i want to see, and then i make up an excuse that that is too far away, etc. And i make an excuse that i don't like to drive all the way there and then drive all the way back in one day. I'm embarrassed to ask for what i want. I'm ashamed that i don't pay for another week of a rental car so that i can go wherever i want whenever i want.
I imagine that i am not qualified to work in aquaponics, that i need a phd or experience that i don't have and can't get. That i'm not needed nor useful.
And i know that this is healing for me. I am opening up old wounds and allowing them to breathe. I am transforming into the person i want to be. I am creating the design i have had in my head for so long. And i think i understand why i ask my friends and family in a uncertain high pitched voice about my hair. (one friend responded that it's cockblocking me. it's getting kind of long.) This allows me to give them my power and not have to take responsibility. When i had done this as a child growing up, i got affection and care for. And i felt safe. And i didn't have to ask for what i wanted and risk being rejected.
When i make myself a victim, i disable my sex. I create that. I could afford a car. I could make other housing arrangements that give me room to fuck. Instead i get off on complaining about how i bought bitcoin at twice of what it's worth now and have had to sell most of them in order to continue not having to work. I could have worked and not had to sell any bitcoins. I was scared and greedy and lazy. I say that i dread working more as a consultant because my heart's not in it. I am not taking responsibility for my monetary income. I have this dream of free basic human rights and yet i'm not really taking the steps necessary to create this vision. Even then that's not true. I am taking steps, they are just small and well spaced apart. I notice while writing this how hard i can be on myself. And once i let that out and flow through me, my understanding shines through. I know i have myself spread thin in about 10 different areas all at the same time. In no particular order: taxes, sex, my relationship with Heather, living and spending time with family during the time of grandma's death and memorial, not seeing my sister, bitcoin bodywork, aquaponics, seeing friends, reconnecting with old lovers, my health, my friends, money, meeting new women, reddit, facebook, couchsurfing, okcupid, tinder, trading massages, seeing new clients, seeing old clients, posting on craigslist.
Sharing this out loud feels grounding.
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