The uglier side of my life and why it's important.

I recently got called the life of the party at an event where there were a lot of rad people.  "You have such good energy."  They would say.

I thought afterwards, I made it.  I am now that cool guy that I used to be jealous of growing up.  That guy I felt inadequate around, because he was perfect in all the ways.


And I guess I wanted to reveal the darker side of being the "cool guy, the guy with great energy."

Before I begin though, I want to say it's really fucking weird noticing that the cool guy might actually be me.  There's still a bit of fear of imposter syndrome, a bit of fear of delusional thinking, a bit of inadequacy, and I bit of fear of being super deuchey that I feel as I write this.  I wanted you to know these things.  There is a point to all of this though, I'm getting to it I swear!

So the darker side.  What I believe got me here was being super curious.  I got into all kinds of shit certain people in my life, I imagine, would say I had little business being in and should be doing something better with my life.  Kinky shit, weird shit, sexual shit.  Well, in diving into the deep end where the water is murky, and then choosing to hold my breath and swim straight down into it, well I ended up learning just how fucking limitless life can be.  You really can do anything in this life.
(sneak peek: our brains do not the like this, like at all.)
The thing is though, unlike playing out all of my sordid fantasies in a closed virtual environment like a video game, my choices in life create effects and impact everything around me.  I mean, that's a known though.  You literally can't live without impacting others around you.  Even if you're holed up in a room by yourself, your absence will impact others.

                                                             This is such a great photo.

So when you can do anything, acknowledging that your actions or inactions will impact others, your, er, my brain will start to freak out a bit.  If you're anything like me, you might also notice that the brain doesn't really like change.  Especially expansive change.  It's my understanding that our human brains aren't really that smart or capable.  And sure there's the argument of all the cool shit we can do and have done yadayadayada, and i'd offer that we've also done some really stupid shit and really irrational and terrible things as well.  So just go with me on this bit that the human brain is kinda worthless, it'll be worth it, I promise.

You see our brains aren't well designed to keep us happy, that's not their main purpose.  Their purpose is to keep themselves alive and avoid boredom.  This is worth repeating.  A brain's purpose is to keep itself alive and avoid boredom.
Here's the juice, BRAINS WILL FUCK SHIT UP AND MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE TO KEEP THEMSELVES ALIVE AND AVOID BOREDOM.  That's a terribly caps locked sentence, I apologize.  The brain thinks that keeping itself alive equates to understanding what's going on and being able to predict the future.  Usually this leads to terrible consequences.  It will understand that it is in an unhealthy and abusive relationship and that it is terribly unhappy.  The brain thinks this is great!  It gets to stay alive and it definitely is not bored.  So much to complain about and feel bad about. These serve are great reasons to stay alive by eating, guess what, sugar!!!  Especially processed sugar, the brains favorite thing ( I would know), with salt coming a close second, and red meat obviously being god's nectar.  These things make the brain happy, and so it will put us in shitty situations so that we do what it predicts which is get sad and eat sugar, salt, and meat.  *Sidenote for all you meat eaters, there is nothing wrong with meat, it is delicious and I love it.*  It's just good practice to learn more about this weird ass brain that loves to be super creepy and have awkward kinky sex with us, usually by just playing out some scene with tons of denial and shaming play sadly :(

What the fuck does all of this mean though Kris??  Well, it means when I spend my life running all around the world, not working, (gasp!  huge shaming material here), having sex with lots of people, masturbating, talking about it, and being publicly honest and open, my brain freaks the fuck out!

Example: For the last week, I've been spending the majority of my time playing a computer game called Heroes of the Storm, binging on reddit and facebook, eating kind of shittily, masturbating a bunch to porn, swiping way too much on tinder and bumble, not going out at all publicly, and sleeping a lot.  At my friend's house no less, because I'm still kind of homeless.  ;)    <- yes.  this winky face is confusing for me too.

This, *points up* is not what most people think of when they think of sexy, when they think of life of the party, when they think of good energy.  That up there, me, can be, and is a horny, perverted, nerdy, hermit.  The scary part is acknowledging that it is ok to be that.  I remember the words of a mentor when he said, "you've done enough Kris."  I start to cry remembering how I felt/feel, when he said that.  In the culture I was raised in, there is this belief in never enough.  I've done pretty good in deconstructing that on a materialistic front, but to admit that I've served enough, been helpful enough, fuck.  That is not easy to swallow.  That's where I get my sense of self worth.  By helping, by being valuable.  If i'm feeling worthless, I help others.  And that's great!  Helping others is great!  Until I forget to practice self care, which looks like spending time not around people, indoors on a sunny day, not exercising, and watching movies and playing video games.  Yup, apparently my self care ain't super instagram worthy.  My self care ain't yoga.  My self care is shirtless, with my belly hanging out.  My self care is the empty plate of frozen egg rolls and leftover refried beans sitting next to me.

It ain't sexy, hell in this moment, I am FAR from sexy.  And that's ok.  I don't need to be sexy 24/7.  And I give you permission to not be too.

Because it seems that unless I acknowledge my need for some reprieve from being the life of the party, from having such good energy, I will get burnt the fuck out.

So here's to honoring the not so sexy side, the darkness, the filth, which is just a byproduct of living.  We produce filth.

And this is my belly, pooched out a bit.  It's not as gross as I was hoping...Oh well.