A role model, a consent violation, and a response

In New Orleans, god bless that majestic fucking place, I was walking with a friend and her two friends up the stairs into a record store when a man goes down the stairs and is sleazy towards the two friends.  I forget exactly what he did, but I won't forget how I felt.  Another filthy motherfucker being a shitbag.  Going back into how I felt in that moment, I can feel my disgust, my anger, my frustration, when BAM!  One of the friends calls this guy out on his shit.  "No, you don't get to do that.  That's not ok.  Don't fucking do that anymore."  The guy is surprised and attempts to backpedal saying he wasn't doing anything and saying he was sorry.  You can tell all of the other times people just tolerate his behavior.  He does not get addressed like this.  His apology is insincere nonetheless though.  The friend doesn't let him weasel out.  "You're not sorry, don't try and fake that shit.  Just don't do it again."  We continue up the stairs and the man goes about his way.

I share with the friend my gratitude for being such a badass, a role model, for handling that situation with such finesse.  She was not mean, yet nor was she forgiving.  She was direct, expressive, and straightforward.

Sidenote: here's my favorite song and music video about record stores.  It is not suitable for work, but I'm pretty sure this whole blog isn't...Hm.

So now I am back in Los Angeles, shopping for a new pair of jeans with some stretch to 'em so I can dance or run, you know, making sure my pants won't hold me back.  So I'm sorting through them, feeling each pair as I search for give in the material.  In my peripheral I notice a guy next to me and he adjusts his crotch.  He then does it again several seconds later.  And then again several more seconds after that.  I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he has jock itch, nonetheless my flags are raised.  After my search through this section proves fruitless, I head over several rows away to the clearance rack.  Moving from right to left, I notice the same guy is there several feet to my left.  He adjusts his crotch.  He does it again.  Mind you, none of this crotch adjustments are different than how any other person would adjust their crotch, they are just frequent.  My search for pants brings me nearer to him and that's when I notice after another crotch adjustment that I can clearly see the outline of his mostly erect penis.  So much for giving this motherfucker the benefit of the doubt.  I am so over this and go to move around him to continue pants searching to the left when I see his right arm protrude back so that his hand will get to touch my crotch as I move past him.  My cat reflexes shift my body so that he only gets an outer hip.

Before having seen a good example, I may have just went mute, emotionally froze myself and continued walking numb inside, attempted to brush it off and let an internal dialogue run for hours, days going through all of the different things I could have done differently.  Instead I called him out. "No, you can't do that. " I look him straight in the eye.  "That's not going to fly."  His response is almost identical to the other guy, denial, apology, surprised that I wasn't just going to tolerate his behavior.  His attempts to discreetly pleasure himself, his attempt to touch my genitals without my consent would no longer go unacknowledged.  I was straightforward, called him on his shit, and then walked away.  I gained my power back in that moment.  No longer just an innocent bystander, a victim, I was a human again with my agency.  I go and try on a pair of pants that I found.  They were ok, but not good enough.  As I walk out of the store though, I see him in his car waiting there.  Ew.  I take down his license plate number for good measure and wait until i see him drive off before approaching my car.

So be a good role model for people!  Your actions can have great consequences.

One important note, I realize it was easy for me to address this guy.  I perceived myself to be much more in shape and stronger than him so that if he did not like being called out on his shit and got aggressive, I was confident in my ability to defend myself.  Were he bigger and stronger than me, I imagine I would have been a hell of a lot more cautious and consequently frustrated by that situation.  So to all of you who've had something similar happen and maybe you didn't feel safe to speak up, I'm so sorry.  I am so sorry.  

I told a friend about this and they asked me why I didn't broadcast their license plate, make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else.  I responded that perhaps he wasn't lying, he really did have jock itch, and his hand reaching back really was an accident.  His furtive and disguised lewdness allows for that potential for being incorrect in judgement, no matter how small of a chance that his behavior really was innocent.

And here's the biggest kicker, his behavior most likely was innocent.  Perverted and twisted, what was potentially once a normal and healthy sexuality had no freedom to be freely expressed so it ended up festering and emerging as what took place, a hidden and groveling pass at me.  You see, this isn't the first time I've experienced this.  I found out that someone I had known for a long time had been slowly poking and prodding to see just what they could, "get away with."  It broke my heart because I had long thought of this person as a good hearted and loving person, and honestly I believe that to still be true.  Nonetheless, their sexuality appeared to have never gotten a chance to develop so that the only way they knew how to potentially be romantic with me was through furtive attempts at pushing the envelope.

What neither of these people knew was that I am huge slut and LOVE having hot sex!  I just also happen to be rather particular about who I pick to be slutty with.  Honestly though, it doesn't take much to get me into bed.  Just recently I got to experience just how true that was.  Their question after having engaged in some delightful dance with me for several minutes?  "Do you have sex with women?"  I do!  And men, and other humans who don't identify with either of those genders as well!  Actually, I care a whole lot more about what's inside a person's soul than I do about what's inside their pants.  (so much pants in this post! ha!)  After sharing my response, they asked if I wanted to go home with them and have sex.  Oh my goodness!  I LOVE being asked like that.  Soooo yummy!  I responded with a question of my own.  "Are you both sober or sober enough that you won't regret this tomorrow?"  They both fell in love with me for asking that.  It's a bit sad that that question isn't commonplace. :(

Needless to say, I was in a cab with them several minutes later and we had a delicious time together.

Thanks University of NH!

So be a wildcat goddammit.

And here's another wildcat picture.  Because, wildcats.

Anyways, hope this helps on your journey of sexuality and asking for what you want, and more importantly doing so in a clear and straightforward manner! Yay sexy times!