It's stressful juggling these different emotional and relational balls though. So, i'm going to set them all down now. In front of you so you can get a good look at what happens in my life. Why am I doing this? Some of you have written saying that what I write makes a difference. And i've found that sharing helps me to feel less anxious and more relaxed.
So here is me sharing. I've split off contact with one of my closest friends of 13 years. I am not having sex with an old lover/friend and not really talking with her now either. My heart beats audibly as I write this. Tears are forming in my eyes. My cheeks tighten and my breath is shallow now. I haven't spoken with my sister in a year now or so besides birthday emails or texts. I have some thoughts that I'm making big mistakes. And i'm taking care of myself. Being out of these relationships allows me to put down a few of the emotional juggling balls. I get to breathe a little easier. I worry that i'm doing the wrong thing. And then i feel in my body that i'm doing what feels good. This is not easy. Nor am I experiencing it without grief. I have been allowing myself to cry, and lately it's been happening while driving to Seattle. And so I cry and my breathe shudders and then things are ok.
I want to make this post pretty and concise and be well formatted, and i'm just going to keep writing. I've been frustrated with my relationship with my overseas lover, in case she doesn't want to be named. We text and talk on the phone, and I get frustrated. I will text her some things that set her off and vice versa and then we work through it over a phone call. I don't get to feel her body pressed against mine, i just feel my phone pressed against my ear. We are talking through future plans while attempting to create love lives for ourselves. It gets messy. I get messy. I take a long time to process things, and then i get frustrated that it's taking so long. She sent me a text saying that she is missing me. I clenched up and felt like a turtle on it's back, awkwardly squirming. how am i supposed to respond, what will she think if i don't respond right away, do i miss her back? I was so wrapped up in my reaction, that it wasn't until a day later that I was able to say, "i understand how you're feeling," and truly mean it. I was so afraid she would get sad or upset if i didn't say i miss you back, that i was blinded to the rest of the world around me.
I find myself being crippled with fear of saying or communicating the wrong thing over the wrong medium. I am afraid of hearing that i wasn't thinking when i sent something. and then i get so angry and feel so frustrated. i get so angry and seeing sadness and reactionary anger around myself. i so desperately want people to feel and experience the love that i have, that i almost explode when i encounter people's ugly, ugly egos and defenses. and i want to cry. I'm noticing that my capitalization is fluctuating throughout this post and i feel i should go back and edit this post and clean it up. Make myself presentable.
On my trip up north to visit my friend for his non-performance, i saw something beautiful. This man arranged and paid good money for a space and equipment to share himself outloud. His message, "stop pretending." He asked all of the audience to write down their questions for him and then he answered those questions for the next couple of hours. My eyes are watering as i think of his bravery. i am so humbled to be loved by him.
That's what i want for all of us. To stop pretending. To stop putting up these dramatic stories around our lives to hide our actual selves. Here are the parts i have been hiding.
-I have been cancelled on about 8 times by women on the day we were scheduled to meet up. I made myself frustrated, and am quite angry and bitter at women in general. I am moving more towards men, and find myself feeling loved, respected, valued and appreciated. I am grateful for the men in my life. And I did have sex recently with a woman and it was great and hot. I am scared i am going to blow it as far as reconnecting with her.
-Lastly, I haven't shared this part with most of you, I have been curious and having physical connections with other men. I want to tell you all about my story around sex and sex with men and women, and i also really don't want to tell you, or explain. I do want this to be out in the open though. Myself and many others have experienced far too much shame around our sex, and i'm doing my part to put an end to it.
-I received my tax return. I was fined $249 for not having health insurance. I do not like fined for being healthy. I don't being fined for not supporting a fucked up industry. I've worked in the healthcare field for 5 years and it's ugly, and i just got fined because i didn't want to enable this ugliness. I was also taxed by the state of california which i did not work in. John Oliver did a piece on the IRS. There were 542 new tax laws last quarter, and an employee of the IRS couldn't keep track of them all. I am now ranting. This is part of my life.
-I think about my uncles and how warm and loving they've been to me and my whole family, especially in regards to us collectively being so dysfunctional and non-conformist around money. I hope they understand why I turn down medical software consulting contracts worth $10k/month, and don't apply for a steady job working for a city or county doing something mundane. I want to change the world around me so that myself and others can live happier and healthier lives as a result.
Career and travel stuff update:
-I've been looking to do burlesque dance professionally here in Seattle. I'm excited to explore performing solo and creating this. So far I've rejected one job offer from a shady male review.
-I'm looking towards Australia and New Zealand as they have year long work holiday visas for people under 30. Plus they seem to have some of the top aquaponics people in the field.
-My path in aquaponics leads me to the following questions:
-For-profit or non-profit?
-Phd in aquaponics or working in the business of aquaponics?
-start-up or work for a company to develop automation?
-how would i approach Michelle Obama about working with her on aquaponics?
-how big do i build this thing? For individual homeowners or for commercial purposes?
If you have any guidance on how to work through the stuff on my aquaponics journey, please do share.
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