Desires, requests, demands, shoulds, coulds, and motherfuckin' rephrases.

The following is a guide i've developed/stolen over the years that has proven to be quite useful for me. Distinguishing the nuances between them is paramount.

Desires, requests, and demands I shall group together.

Desires:  Those things you want, or want to do.  When expressed to another human being, all that is required is a simple thank you.  Example:  I want you to grab a gallon of honey and pour it all over us as we make love.  The listeners response:  Thank you.

Why this is useful: You speaker and the listener get to learn and align themselves with their desires without feeling any need to act on them.  This unloads tons of pressure from the listener who might have had a flurry of thoughts about how hard it might be to clean a full gallon of honey from their mattress and blankets, as well as whether or not they can afford that much honey right now.  And the speaker doesn't have to worry about what is realistic or not, and thus is not limited in their thinking.

Requests: The thing or things you ask another person for. When expressed to another human being properly, it gives them full permission to say yes or no to the request depending on how they feel. (Obligatory Consent as Tea video link here.) Example: Will you massage my feet?  That's a valid, but just ok request.  An upgrade would be:  Will you massage my feet with your chest covered in coconut oil for 10 minutes?  Now it's considered an upgrade not because of creativity, but because of specificity.  The listener now knows duration as well as what they are being asked to use.  This upgrade allows a person to know exactly what the request is and what they are saying yes or no to.

Why this is useful:  The listener gets a real choice, in which yes and no are held in equal weight.  And the asker gets to practice asking for what they want.  And when they do this, EVERYONE wins.  Consent wins, the asker wins, and the receiver wins.  Because face it, we like doing nice things for people we care about.  And we like being nice to people who do nice things for us.  Making a clear request where the other person feels safe and free to say yes or no, is a wonderful way to be with those you love.

Demands:  These are the things that aren't sharing of desires or making of requests.  Example: You should rub my shoulders.  The listener does not get a clear choice now.  The demander has made a passive, well, demand.  "You should" roughly equals "Rub my shoulders."

Where this behavior comes from: Passive demands are ways that people can remain in control.  People like to be/feel in control because it feels safe.  Often this behavior is distancing and harmful to the connection.  Alas, that also is safe because it is predictable because people often do the same things over and over again no matter who they are with.
It's important to note that it also feels safe because making requests can be dangerous and scary.  Lets say you ask for something weird, like a pickle in your butt.  Well, lets say the listener doesn't respond with a yes or a no or with some kind curiousity, but instead a judgement and a ridicule.  The asker is now shamed, frustrated, and sad.  Do you think this person will ask for what they want again.  Nope!
So when we hear people make demands of us, or "should" on us we can enact our magical power which is...

Rephrases!  These are really useful for gently educating someone on how to communicate with us in a way that we can experience more lovingly.  Shoulds become coulds and coulds become would yous.
And when someone asks would you ____, we're back in the area of requests, which we all love!
Example:  Will you rephrase that?  Sillily simple, yet remarkably effectice.  I love it.

So as you bookmark this page,  feel free to use it as an excuse to bring up trying these distinctions out.  Maybe say something like, "Hey hot human, I read this article and I want to try expressing my desires out loud, because it's fun and amazing.  Will you read this article so we're on the same page?  It's short!"