just another perspective from another #metoo

NOTE:  There will be explicit sexual language in this post.



I had my boundaries violated last night.

It wasn't aggressive or violent, and I realized it also wasn't the first time.

The first time it was an older white woman.  Last night it was a black man.  I mention these details to point out that there isn't a group of people we can single out, and also that minds categorizes people in this way, and it can lead to shitty ways of thinking.

Both of these experiences happened in environments where sexual activity is welcomed and where there is a whole culture and framework around consent and safer sex to make these safe places for people to engage and/or explore sexually with others.  And it's fucking great! 
These spaces have held the container for me to have some of the most amazing sexual moments of my whole life.  Yes, in theory boundary violations shouldn't occur in spaces like these, but thankfully when they do there is usually a fucking badass support network to help people through one of the more challenging human experiences.  And usually a lot of education happens in these communities as well, so most people have good understanding and good skills to help them navigate things like this.

So when that guy began to put his mouth on my cock last night I was able to put a stop to it quickly.  I sat up, said something along the lines of, "no. that's not ok, this is stopping immediately," and then proceeded to just sit there and experience my experience.  Yes, I just had someone explicitly violate my boundaries which I had clearly stated, i thought to myself.  Fuck.

I can only be grateful that the boundary violation was not violent, and that it was not long lasting, and yet it still sucked.  No pun intended.

Yes, you can laugh at my joke.  While last night and today has been challenging, I am still me.  Please chuckle and know that i'll get through this.

I called a friend, a female friend, one who i felt guilty of calling because I didn't want to burden another woman with more emotional labor.  I called anyways, and asked if she felt like talking about something not super fun.  She said yes, and we talked and I cried some more.

Which brings me to the following super important fucking message:
All of this could have been avoided very simply by asking.  One human asking another human, "can I I put my mouth on your cock?"  This could have been avoided by giving me an opportunity to choose.

Shitty things happen when assumptions are made.


ASK FIRST.



How to and how not to effectively talk with someone who has just had their boundaries violated:

I'll start with the how-not-to as that occurred first.  Another male who was present for the incident felt like sharing some stuff while i was sitting there processing what just happened.  He shared with me how it's already so hard for bisexual men to have sexual experiences with other men and that his friend really didn't mean any harm.  He said, that there was just a void where the person who had been sucking your cock was no longer doing it and so the other guy just wanted to fill that void.

Cool!  Neat!  Thank you so much for that helpful explanation what just happened.  That's just what I needed, a solid rationalization.  I could say I understand why man-splaining is so lame, and it is, but then that would be disregarding the times when i've heard women do it.  Yes, women do it a lot less, and men do it a lot more.  The thing is though, humans do it.  We do it.  I do it.  I might actually be doing it right now, and am totally oblivious to it.

So how do you do it right?  Well, I'll tell you how I felt.  When a woman who has helping with the event came and spoke with me, I felt understood.  Seen.  Held.  I felt cared for, without being coddled.  I felt respected.  How did she speak in a way that had me feel all these things?  I don't exactly know.  I think i'll have to ask her because she is goddamn good at it.

Why I am sharing all of this?

Because consent violations don't all look the same.  Sometimes they happen to big buff male bodied humans like myself.  And the violators don't all look the same, nor do they all act the same.  They're not always violent, or charged.  Nonetheless, they are rough to have happen to you.

And also because sharing seems to be the way through.  Talking about it with another person seems to really help.  Sharing it publicly so that other people don't feel alone seems to help.

And a thank you.

Thank you to all of you who have held others as they've experienced a traumatic event.  Truly, thank you.