"Are you ok with that?"
We were knee deep in a big ol' cuddle pile, probably 12 of us. This might have been my second time getting up to leave and then giving a hug to say goodbye and falling right back in. Those puddles can be a terribly vicious cycle. I had someone on my back this time though as I got up, a lovely gal who made a nice koala backback and kept on hanging on even as i went from a prone position all the way to standing.
I felt something different though and I saw a hand and arm in my peripheral vision and it seemed like someone was copping a feel of the butt of the woman who was in a vulnerable position with both of her arms occupied by holding herself on my back. So I spoke up.
She responded with, "Yeah," and the night went on. More cuddles, more snuggles, more body parts enmeshing and becoming one. The cuddle was real that night.
It wasn't until the next morning, and then later again in the day that I learned the consequences of my words. The koala from my back came up to me as I was sleepily making my way to breakfast and began to share with me what my words meant to her last night.
"Hey, thanks for checking in with me last night. When you asked if I was ok with that touch, I had said yes, but then I realized I really wasn't ok with it. Another woman heard and saw what happened and we talked about it after. The toucher ended up coming up to the both of us later and asking to cuddle in between us and she said no."
Her eyes were watering up and so were mine.
She shared that she wished she would have spoken up last night. I feel her. I offer humbly that she can still speak up about it this morning. I also share with her that it is scary as shit and has been historically dangerous for individuals to speak up and call out someone's unwanted touch. In our past, a lot of shit has been done to silence people's voices, especially female bodied humans. Judging by the amount of silence around consent accidents and violations, you can quickly deduce that a large number of people don't feel safe to speak up and have their voices heard. Thankfully, over the recent years people have been brave and spoken up and confronted their perpetrators and thankfully, some of the times the perpetrators really take those words to heart and learn to ask and check in.
She thanks me again and we hug.
Later on in the day the other woman who witnessed the unwanted touching came up to me. Now I'm starting to cry again. She tells me how grateful she was that I spoke up and how she was empowered to say no when the toucher had asked to cuddle between her and the koala. She ended up having a conversation with the toucher a few hours prior and she said the toucher took it well and understood where they fucked up. She then thanked me for being her teacher. I am crying again. Both there and now as I write this.
You see I write this as a male bodied, white skinned human who grew up very affectionate and generous with my touch. I had no idea of my privilege. It wasn't until someone kindly shared with me that my touch was unwanted and that I did not get consent before touching that I learned my valuable lesson. So to receive feedback that I am now serving as a role model and teacher having been a prior offender, I am deeply humbled.
So there you have it, a real life example of what happens when you speak up. It matters to people, and the impact is greater than you probably realize. And yes, it can be scary. So if speaking up means waiting until you can gather resources, be it people or just some time to process and then speaking up, that is super rad too.
With all this people said, I don't underestimate the danger in speaking up. Some offender's egos will not enjoy being confronted and they may respond in a violent manner. Please take care of yourself first and foremost.
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