I got a haircut, they put a split line in it. I like the way i look with this haircut. I've been told once to edit the flow of my writing so that there aren't as many breaks, or period-ed sentences in it. I like them though, they more accurately reflect what's happening in my brain. Generally they lead to a more flow-ey river of thought, yet in the beginning, apparently that is what feels comfortable to share. And I realize more and more that what I write is most important for me, and for it to have any real importance to any of you, it must come from my sense of importance.
I 've decided that having a "why" for everything isn't as important as it once was. It's important for my mind, which wants to protect itself. My heart seems to know much better what the right course is for me, so i'm going to let my heart take the lead for a bit. I mean, i sure as hell know what the results are when my brain takes the lead, and the results just aren't that impressive.
Results, that's where i am at these days. I feel figuratively broke financially. I wrote myself a little message in my calendar for it to remind me every tuesday to embody being sick and tired of feeling/being broke. It still seems to ring pretty true. I like paying for people's meals, and buying all the gas, and getting guacamole on burritos regardless of how atrocious the upcharge is. Lately i've been motivated, hell my whole life, i've been motivated by this sense of righteousness and purity. And it hasn't been bad. I've learned not to settle, and that i can have exactly what i want. I want to be real with myself now. I know I ain't gonna get rich by working for someone else, and working hourly can be a horrendous waste of one's time. I've worked enough of em to know.
I guess i'm just realizing that this concept of work is really fucking overrated, even in it's prestigious position of work on what you love. What if it was just do what you want, and if someone else happens to call that work, so be it. My bodywork practice, I fucking love working on people's bodies. Relieving them of pain and suffering. Sometimes people give me money after I work on their bodies, sometimes they don't. And i like it that way. So I want to built my life so that i'm doing what i want, not working on what i want. because work is fucking tiring, and generally it's not fun.
I've recently started the process of starting up a business with another human being. A partnership within and also next to an already existing partnership. I've really been leaning towards following through on making this particular business a huge fucking success. That way i can be wealthy and then live life how i want to. The truth in my current environment, money seems to be the primary way in which people arrange themselves. There are some outliers, bless their goddamn hearts, I've considered myself one of them, and I still hope for a world where the outliers become the trendsetters, and until that happens, I think i want to get fucking rich.
I am being extremely cautious in my decision though. I know I like to do things impulsively, and I also know that once I say i'll do something, I don't stop. I'm taking a couple of weeks now to reassess everything and i guess kind of get my shit together.
As far as general life updates: I spent 11 days in 42's piscine, this computer programming 30 day test. I cried on day 10, took the rest of the night off, then cried again on day 11. After feeling pretty shitty about life and not really having much fun, and also failing miserably and understanding the C programming language, I decided to stop participating in the piscine and I took a couple of days to see some friends before escaping the bay area and galloping up into the mountains. The galloping worked and I found some hotsprings and soaked in them for a bit. This and my homies in the bay area helped me remember my humanity.
I am now just taking things day by day and attempting to vacation for a couple of weeks as gently as i can. Oh, and I found some mud to cover myself in. It was very satisfying.
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