aaaand i'm 29

My aunt whispers as she says goodnight, "you're almost 30...30...30..."

A brief flurry of thoughts and insecurities race through my mind.  Which really have summed up my last few days.  Fucking life and our collective insecurities.

I've had some insecurities around my body, my finances, and my achievements, and thank god for a good old reality check during this birthday weekend.

I spent the last several days under quite unusual circumstances.  Backstory, I played a pickup game of basketball in Venice a few months back with this pretty cool, young, and extremely good looking man.  He's 6'5", and built like someone from 300, plus tan with model good looks.  If he were a chick, I would have long ago stumbled into a stop sign pole and gave myself a black eye.  Instead, he's a dude who happened to be dribbling a basketball.  Thinking back, I still can't remember who won the games, but we parted without exchanging any contact information.

Fastforward to Friday night on Catalina Island, I'm waiting for my ferry back to the mainland and am walking back from an unsuccessful ice cream run, (they were closed), when an older gentleman stops me to congratulate me on my birthday ( i wore the complimentary birthday pin, yes i did).  It was then that 300 guy who was standing next to older guy asks if we balled together in Venice and I suddenly recognize him.  Older gentleman then invites me to join the gang, (two young women, two young men, plus himself, the older gentleman) for a birthday drink.  I say yes, it turns into dinner, and then I ask if there is room on the boat (they're sailing from the cali coast), and they said yes!

Now come the insecurities throughout the next few days: older guy picks up the tab for every meal for all six of us for the next few days.  This includes, fresh local sea bass, rib eye steaks, lobster, plus drinks.  If you've been with me since the beginning, you'll remember that I don't spend money on drinks while eating out.  It's how I live free of the 9-5 jay oh bee.  Anyways, so I'm getting to order whatever I want plus an expensive alcoholic beverage with every meal with the older gentleman kindly paying for, except for one which the non-300 other young guy picks up.  Which was a round of drinks for the group which equaled over $100!  I looked! *blushes*.  Yes I'm frugal, yet also curious.

So this other guy ends up being paired with one of the gals, and she's super beautiful, and he takes a lot of pictures and does freelance photography, plays the guitar, has a super trendy beard + haircut, and drinks and smokes often.  Plus he lives on the west side of LA.  In other words, he's hot shit, and, he can afford to buy the table a round of drinks!  Thus kicks in the the financial inadequacy/insecurity.

The physical inadequacy/insecurity rears it's ugly head when I feel a connection with the other gal and then compare myself to 300 guy (who also owns his own business!) and subsequently make up stories about how I am less than.  The achieving third head of the inadequacy/insecurity demon pet amorphizes (doubt this is a word) through learning about the prestigious and well paying career the older gentleman has developed enabling him to generously cater to our youthful whims.

Which brings me back to now.  I'm now nearing the big three oh, currently inactive in any recognized career, having recently ended my longest relationship thingy, with no super big finanical pool to tap for frivolous drinks at bars before drinks with a fancy meal.  (*People really do this?!?  The answer is yes, and I have the satisfied belly and spirit to prove it.)  I can look at myself three different ways in the mirror and find myself no measuring up to either of these three men.  I'm sleeping alone, i'm not buying dinners, and i'm not above average height, nor do I have an above average lengthed dick.

The fun part is realizing what I do have.  I have experience, I have spontaneity, I've traveled quite a bit now.  I've really lived quite the life.

And I'm not interested in women that aren't interested in me anymore.  I don't play guitar, I dance.  I don't smoke or drink much, I freedive.  I'm not tall, or big dicked, I'm average sized..  I don't have career, I have a vision.  I won't buy rounds of drinks, i'll buy plane tickets.  And I won't take pictures, i'll experience the moment.  In the end, the things that these other women are attracted to, makes me unattracted to them.  You want a cool guy, a tall guy, or a guy with a career?  In the end we're not going to match.  I don't care about that stuff, and I'm turned off by you that you do.

In the end, I didn't fit in with that group.  And i'm ok with that.  I may get lonely, but damn if I don't make good company.

I'm also grateful as hell that I got to have that experience, that glimpse into the lives of the wealthy, powerful, and extremely beautiful, and come out ok.  I don't really have jealousy anymore.  They have their own values, and they're different than mine, and that's ok.