I'm wrapping up my trip in thailand now. I just got back from a day at the hot springs of ol krabi. i tried to sneak in, didn't work. worked last time though! My stomach seems to finally be adjusted. Next time, i'm taking immodium after just one day, period.
The theme of this trip seems to be, "overwhelming+a lot of learning about myself"
these last few days, i've been on an island called ko phi phi, which is known as a big party island. Last time i was here i avoided all those places. This time, i was really wanting sex. Mind you i was able to reconnect with two lovers that i had met last trip and had great sex with both of them. Which leads to--
Self lesson number 1: i really like sex, and i like it often. when i have it, i feel in tune with life and nature. when i don't, i question everything, my self worth, my looks, my financial status, my "coolness", my ability to communicate.
Continuing- so i get to phi phi, and holy guacamole! it's as if i landed in cancun during spring break, or at least what i imagine that's like, except i think it's wayyyy cooler here than there. there are so many young and extremely sexy girls showing off their bodies to the max. I am petrified. They are all so gorgeous. Then i look at the guys. They are also young and good looking. tan, hairless, tall, with nice hair cuts and cool clothes. My "practical" clothing and hairy chest, pale skin, and hair in need of a cut, just don't quite, "cut" it. Or so i imagine...
Self lesson number 2: I talk myself out of just talking to pretty much any girl i see who has a guy standing in proximity that may be her boyfriend. I assume that if i talk to her, then assumed boyfriend will get jealous and will want to fight me. And i discovered where this pattern emerged from, or at least my pattern forming mind is tying all of this together. You see, i was bullied as a child and then as i grew up all the way through high school. I would freeze everytime, and i have some memory of how aggressive guys can get over girls. (maybe i've just seen this behavior in waay too many movies and believe it to be my own memory) So, my mind seems to believe that all of the guys that are standing next to the pretty girls in phi phi, must all be just like the bullies that i grew up with. And i have this fear that any sort of confrontation will lead to violence, and that violence will escalate, and someone will end up in the hospital or jail. All because of ego and poor communication and this idea of scarcity, especially when it comes to attractive women.
when i pondered on the validity of my thought pattern, i concluded that this probably is true some of the time. there will be some bully-ish protectice deuchebags. And i'm guessing there's a wide range of other guys that are different as well. and the same with the girls, some will be super young and immature and pretty and only want the bully-ish deuchebags, and then there will be other women that aren't like this.
I now have the possibility to address this powerful fear that was embedded from childhood bullying.
So did i have any sex? nope!
Did i express myself and all of my pent up energy on the dance floor in a dazzling array of booty-shaking-pole-dancing-fire-limbo-ing magic? Sure did!
Fun things i got to do:
Scuba diving (it's been 7 years since my last dive!)
a booze cruise with cliff jumping, snorkeling, seeing the beach from, "the beach", jumping in the sea jacuzzi, missing the tow line and having a booey thrown to me while they turned the boat around and picked me up, and ending with naked jump into the night water for a phosphorescent plankton swim! I developed a little crush on the babe who handed me my shorts, facing the right way mind you, after i got out of the water.
Shark point snorkeling. I saw a shark. It wasn't very big.
Own several dance floors, (people were even giving me booze as their way of saying they love me. other people just flat out told me they loved me.)
the naked fire limbo
fire jump rope
flaming hoop jump
body shots!
observe sexy jenga
NOT get burnt by any of the above activities. (a lot of people got burnt i would notice the next day as everyone walks around with their fresh bandages.)
Injuries: I cut open my shin on a little hike from tonsai beach to railay beach. I slipped and fell on some rocks onto my shin. Noticing that most of the rocks are volcanic and very sharp, i thought that when i looked at my shin, it was going to be a mess, and i would be heading to the hospital. Instead it was just a couple of good gouges. What this meant was if my shin was going to heal, i was going to have to stay out of the water, the gorgeous thailand water. I did! I was angry and grateful. angry that my plan got "ruined" grateful that my injury was so mild. i could have broken my leg or gouged my face or hands or feet. Nope, none of these, just a slow healing shin. Update, i did start going in the water, and yes now it is healing more slowly as the scab gets all gross and has to reform.
self lesson: it could always be worse, so be grateful for what you have.
projects:
build a website for bodywork
continue developing my plan for a community
build a bitcam platform (this would be a good project. no real startup costs. lots of experience, and i get to own it.)
save the rainforest and build a an corporation (non-profit?) for all of the above to fall under.
Pt 2
i gave my gift last night. And was asked about it afterwards.
Questions that were addressed to me:
How many times in your life have you gotten this?
What are the people like that give it to you?
Does other people have this same reaction that i just had?
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