I propose the following:
If you're gonna eat sugary-processed-non-nutricious junk food, do it in the morning.
Today's experiment consisted of walking into work today and seeing a pile of really, really good looking cookies on counter, not unsimilar to these below.
Over the last couple of days at work, i have been, "at battle," with myself over sweets (which are in constant supply at pretty much any medical facility". What that looks like is me avoiding and "fighting," against myself and then after a certain period, "giving in" and then eating a cookie. This is, as i learned from Brad, is the ol' top dog bottom dog routine. Where that top dog voice in your head that says you shouldn't do something talks to the bottom dog who says they won't do it and then ends up doing it anyways. I ended up getting really tired at different points between 3-5pm.
So, i ate my cookie at 7:30 am. Then, didn't have another cookie until after 5pm. Then i had 3 cookies. What i did, i gave my addictive sugar craving self exactly what i wanted. to eat those oh-so-delicious cookies, and damn were they good. AND, i had no crash during the day! I was alert and awake entire day. I love myself for creating and really positive and loving evergy filled day for me.
My thoughts on addiction:
Because i want to share them. I watched Nicole Daedone's short (3:30) video on addiction, where she talks about putting a lot of attention on whatever is behind that addiction. So today a colleague made a funny face as i was standing in front of a huge container of cheeseballs looking at them and noticing my thoughts and the sensations in my body. My mouth produced saliva, and my mind didn't know what to do when i didn't avoid my craving, instead just standing there right in front of it, simply giving it space to be, and just sitting there with it.
There's also, (damn, i really care a lot about addiction.) a book recommended by my dear friend called In the realm of hungry ghosts, currently listening to it on audio book, (tell me if you want a copy, will send it your way!) about addiction. Coolest study talked about how if mice are given a really healthy environment, they really have better things to do than get high on coke. (mice' preferred drug:) I thought about that, and how in myself when i'm outdoors getting good exercise and interacting with loving human beings, i just really want nourishing food. it's only when i'm feeling trapped or disliking my surroundings or what i'm doing in life that i want sugar and porn. (my two life long "addictions".)
The author talks about how using our favorite drug is really just our desire for a little moment where all the stress and hurt and pain goes away and we get to live worry free, if just for a moment. So if we create lives that are loving and healthy, and we are living lives based around desire, we really don't have anything that we need to escape from...
Things that i upset myself at today:
-Learning that Tanzanians destroy their reefs with their fishing techniques to make more money off of their livelihood. This in turn reduces their long term ability to make money off of the fish in these reefs which they are destroying to make money....
-That one of my colleagues didn't really like me (i imagine). Then i allowed her the space to not like me, and allowed myself the space to have someone not like me. Found out that the whole experience was much less work and much more satisfying. I'm trying all kinds of new things in life and it's really fucking fun!
Note: the following is giving myself an out and is nothing more than an excuse. I am not really proofreading this and not concerning myself too much with flow and readability because (a dirty word in radical honesty) (and for good reason!), i am working 12 hour shifts currently and want my sleep.
What i'm grateful for:
-My sister, brother, mom, dad, aunt for storing my car.
-my radical honesty course. and the supportive and loving people i met there.
-my really good paying job with lots of time off so that i can go to thailand.
-healthy sexy times.
-awesome cookies and an opportunity to pay attention to my addictions.
My desires:
I want to design and build an off-the-grid self sustaining commune with 20-50 people living in it.
I desire:
-to design it in such a way that it can be franchised.
-it to be built using salvaged materials.
-there to be, "a lazy garden" with automated watering, and natural weed control.
-to be able to run around naked outside there and go skinnydipping in the river and go running through the forests and the fields which will all be nearby.
I desire to launch a barefoot dress shoe muse company based off of the 4 hour work week. Either that or patent the concept and sell it to vibram.
I desire to launch a successful bitcoin project.
I desire loving connection often and nourishing.
I desire cheap/free fresh produce.
I desire a vitamix.
I desire a short plane ride to thailand. I desire someone to give me a lot of frequent flier miles so that i can go from seattle to bangkok to hawaii to seattle. Right now it's $1600 for this, instead of $1000 for thailand round trip. I'm being cheap... I afraid to ask outright for help because i imagine i'll be seen as a cheapskate and moocher and my image is and reputation are important to me. i'm very proud of being able to support myself and embarrassed of the times in my past when i couldn't do it alone. I realize how humble and ashamed and grateful i am to my uncles. They have always supported myself and siblings financially, and i rarely see them or talk to them. I hope they read this. And i hope they call me. And visit me in thailand.
I'm grateful that i get to share this outloud with people i love. and i'm scared that this might be used against me in the future. And i feel brave that i'm posting this. My ears are hot. i haven't checked in with my body in a while. Fun picture below. (levains bakery status post cycling in NYC, best goddamn cookie ever.) Love you all.
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